


right now I can’t see nothing thru these tears

by yourelectriclove



Series: thru these tears [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Kisses, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 01:09:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18216155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourelectriclove/pseuds/yourelectriclove
Summary: “Do you think in another universe, there’s an Isak out there with like, an orange fucking bedroom curtain or something, that loves me back?” Even whispers back instead, looking at Mikeal, who’s currently on the floor spreading out his school books.He fixes Even with a look, a sad smile on his face, he sighs, running a hand through his hair.“I hope in that universe, there’s an Even out there who realised he’s worth more than the bullshit you put yourself through”





	right now I can’t see nothing thru these tears

**Author's Note:**

> because I can’t end anything with angst if i tried

Even is tired in every possible way, tired of hurting, tired of crying, tired of feeling like a school girl with a hopeless crush on someone he can’t possibly ever have.

It’s not like Isak’s this impossible form of human that is untouchable, he’s done his fair share of touching Isak, but he feels like no matter how close they get, no matter how many nights they spend whispering close and giggling about the stupid pillow talk that they share, Isak is always so far out of reach, and Even is reaching so hard to touch him his fingertips graze his skin but he just can’t grasp it. 

“Do you think you’ll ever want me, in the way I want you?” 

So many question he wants to ask Isak, so many questions he wants to ask himself but he’s not man enough to face them yet. 

The problem with getting attached to people is that when they leave, you’re a lost puppy, craving just the small things like their body heat against yours and when he thinks you’re not paying attention he runs his fingertips over the outlines of your face so gently you feel like you’re imagining it, like a ghost of a touch. 

Even hates that he’s got used to be second choice, despises that he’s just accepted that he’s not good enough, and it fucks with his head more than he likes. 

“There’s so many more people out there Even, he’s just one boy, what makes him so special?” Mikeal asks as they’re laying on Even’s bed, staring at the ceiling as Even pours his heart out to him in an angry rant, his breathing heavy when he finishes, this boy, this boy makes him so angry yet so happy all at once. 

Isak isn’t just special, Even has never met anyone quite like him before, and for some reason he wants to defend him, wants to call bullshit on the things his friends say about him although he knows they’re true, has over thought them enough times to know. 

“Do you think in another universe, there’s an Isak out there with like, an orange fucking bedroom curtain or something, that loves me back?” Even whispers back instead, looking at Mikeal, who’s currently on the floor spreading out his school books. 

He fixes Even with a look, a sad smile on his face, he sighs, running a hand through his hair. 

“I hope in that universe, there’s an Even out there who realised he’s worth more than the bullshit you put yourself through” 

-

“Can I come over tonight?” Even closes his eyes at the sound of Isak’s sweet voice, he hasn’t heard from him in days, last time he saw him Isak had made him leave his apartment before his roommates got back from class, so be basically got kicked out, and his throat closed up with the need to sob the whole way home. 

Isak doesn’t sound like himself, sounds softer, like he’s softly whispering, and Even just wants to take him in his arms and protect him from everything that isn’t good in the world. 

“Even?” Isak whispers, Even can’t think of what to say, any other time he’d say yes, he’d welcome Isak with open arms but he’s sick of it, he’s sick of being the one Isak runs to from time to time. 

“Sorry Isak, I’ve got stuff to do, I’ll call later okay?” he can’t believe he’s said it, wants to kick himself at the small “Oh” Isak’s lets out like his hearts been crushed, but Even knows he’s probably just bored and horny. 

“Ev-“ 

Even cuts the phone off before he has to listen to Isak any longer, he knows he’ll be pushed over again and he’ll say fuck it, of course you can come over, pretend for a night that Isak is his and then hate himself in the morning for putting himself through that again. 

He takes a deep breath, lays back on his bed ignoring the way the covers still smell like Isak’s cologne and how he’s still got Isak’s shirt hanging over his chair, he’ll get over him, eventually. 

-

Isak doesn’t call him back, not like he expected it, but he just wants to know what it feels like to be the one being missed instead of the one always missing. 

He thinks back to when he first saw isak last year, the night they met, and he wishes he went about it different, wishes he would of pushed his lust for the boy to the back of his mind and asked him out proper, wined and dined him, went slow, instead of taking him back to his, both of them well over tipsy. 

He wonders if things would of been different, wonders if he’d have Isak right now, would they be living together, would they be in a healthy stable long term relationship? 

He doesn’t like thinking about what ifs, it makes his head hurt and his stomach churn with anxiety. 

It’s somewhere between midnight and sun rise when Isak phones him again, he doesn’t know, hasn’t looked at his phone for hours, scared that his fingers will navigate to Isak’s number. 

He watches it ring and ring again, he’s never had a bigger desire than to smash his phone off a wall, yet his desire to hear Isak’s voice overpowers that. 

“Hey” he tries to sound casual yet he knows his voice is cracking, he clears it, tells himself its just his tired voice coming through, it is late after all. 

“I don’t know why you’re acting like this Even” 

Isak is drunk. 

He’s seen and heard Isak drunk multiple times, can tell by the way his voice slurs and he sounds like he’s been crying, and Even can’t help it when he jumps out of bed, his covers falling to the floor. 

“Are you okay?” He asks dumbly, rubbing a hand over his face and his heart breaks when he hears Isak’s voice breaking through a cry, he’s upset, he’s crying, and Even can’t breathe with need to see him, it hurts too much, he’d rather go through every goodbye Isak has ever given him than hear this. 

“You- you don’t even understand and it fucking hurts so bad Even, you don’t understand” Isak sobs softly, his breathing has gone fast like he’s panicking, Even rushes around his room with his phone to his ear, cursing himself for actually putting his clothes into his laundry basket earlier rather than leaving them on the floor like he usually does. 

“What are you talking about?” He pants as he pulls on a sweater, he looks like shit and he feels even shittier and he just wants to see this boy, this boy who’s currently crying down the phone to him. 

“You’re ignoring me and fuck- you don’t understand at all, I’m trying so hard and it’s not fucking enough, why isn’t it enough Even?” His speech is slurred and laced with wet tears and Even can’t find his keys and he’s in better mind to sit and have a cry too, god he’s cried so much this past year it’s actually ridiculous. 

“Isak where are you?” He asks instead of trying to over analyse what Isak is saying, Isak doesn’t say anything, just hiccups a little through the phone, he’s alone and Even is scared. 

“I’m- fuck I don’t even know, Eskild took me to this gay bar south somewhere, said he was tired of me lying in bed” Isak laughs but it sounds bitter, a second after that he lets out a small cry again, Even’s heart is beating so fast he wishes it would stop for a second. 

“Are you safe, Isak what the fuck” Even blurts our sentences as he grabs his car keys out of the fucking fruit bowl of all places, his full mind focusing of Isak, he’s alone, it’s two thirty seven in the morning and he’s alone and crying in the south of Oslo somewhere. 

“Eskild said I’m not a bad person, he says I just do bad things and make bad decisions, why do I do that Even? why do I hurt myself more than anyone else has?” Isak whimpers, his breath catching again, and Even wishes he’d stop talking, because Isak’s words are fucking with his heart and making it burn with hurt. 

“You’re not a bad person Isak, fucking hell, how much have you drank?” Even breathes out, starting his car and hoping to god that he hasn’t woken up anyone with the way he rushed out and slammed his door. 

“He said I need to get you out of my head, it’s impossible, you’re impossible and I hate it” Isak snorts, sounds like he’s wiping his tears off his shirt from what Even can hear, after a stressful minute of trying to connect his phone to his cars bluetooth with one hand. 

“This bars horrible, everyone is so happy and I’m so sad, and this guy bought me a drink and I felt sick, because you don’t want me with you, and then I felt sicker because I’ve done that to you so many fucking times- why haven’t you told me to fuck off sooner” Isak rants, hiccups and sniffs of left over tears filling his car and he has to turn it down because he’s getting a headache and his eyes are misting over and he’s really not in the mood to crash tonight. 

“I’ve contemplated it many times” Even tries to joke, trying not to think about Isak getting hit on, more interested in getting Isak’s tears to stop, and he needs Isak to look at his surroundings because he’s driving blind at the moment, trying to think of a gay bar close to Isak’s apartment, but Isak just breaks out in tears again. 

“I told Eskild I’ve lost you, and you know- he said I deserved it, he said I needed to hear the truth because you’re too soft on me and he said I deserved it and you weren’t ever mine to lose, fuck- I needed to forget it so I let that creep buy me this fucking cocktail and now I’m drunk” Isak laughs at the irony, and Even is losing his mind. 

It’s an unspoken agreement between them, something they have never spoke about but they both just know, it’s a thing that isn’t a thing, but it’s definitely a thing. 

Kind of like their relationship, it’s there, it’s real, but it’s not a real thing. 

They never hook up with anyone else, not that Even would ever want to actually ever do something like that, can’t even look at another person without feeling like he’s cheating on Isak in some way, when people flirt with him he can’t help but say “I have a boyfriend” sending sad smiles towards the other person whilst drinking down his beer and trying to get the image of Isak out of his fucking head for once. 

“I hope he knows he’s lucky” 

Yeah right. 

“Baby, stay where you are okay? please don’t wander about, fucking hell” Even sighs gently, he’s getting frustrated and Isak is still ranting about the shitty cocktails he got drunk on and he’s in that mood where he doesn’t know if he should laugh or grab a pillow and scream his frustration into it. 

He doesn’t expect Isak to full on cry again. 

“Do you know you’re the only boy I’ve ever kissed and I can’t even remember how it felt because we were both fucking drunk, god, I hate this Even” Isak whispers softly, he sounds so far away. 

Even thanks his lucky stars when he passes what he thinks is a gay bar, he slows right down, trying to ignore Isak’s hiccups in favour to try spot a little curly haired boy sitting on a side walk, trying to stop his mind from buzzing with what Isak is saying. 

“I wish I wasn’t scared” is the last thing he hears Isak say before he finally spots him, he’s not hard to miss, like Even thought he’s sitting on a side walk, leaning against some sort of bench, and he has to roll his eyes with nothing but love because of course only Isak would miss the bench altogether and lay out on the ground. 

“I see you, don’t move” 

-  
It becomes a task trying to get Isak into his car, at first he just lays on the ground completely refusing to even look at Even. 

“I’m embarrassed and drunk leave me alone” he whines about a hundred times, his hoodie pulled over his eyes and even though he looks like he’s cried enough tears for the entirety of Oslo, there’s still some flowing out the corners of his pretty green eyes. 

“Isak, come on, its me, stand up come on” Even tries to coax him gently, he eventually turns to man handling him on the bench, Isak isn’t exactly heavy but he’s out of breath by the time he has him sitting upright, he flops down on Even’s shoulder, sniffing gently as he looks up, letting the cold air hit his face and dry his tears. 

Even doesn’t know what to think, wants to kick himself for running to Isak again but also thankful that he’s here with him, at the end there’s no place he can see himself being other than here, with Isak drunk and crying on his arm saying stuff only Even has dreamed of him saying, Even has to remind himself that his main priority right now is to get Isak in the god damn car, and also call Eskild and tell him he’s a shitty friend. 

“I’m gonna hate myself so bad in the morning” Isak groans, pushing his face further into Even’s neck, he’s a very cuddly drunk, Even’s well used to it. 

He manages to stand him up, his car is a mere ten foot away from them and it feels like he’s dragging Isak across a marathon by the time they reach the car door. 

“You’re gonna have one hell of a hangover” Even chimes in, buckling Isak up, trying not to fist pump and pat himself on the back at the fact that he did it without Isak protesting. 

The drive back to Even’s feels long and quiet, Isak is dropping to sleep and Even has all the windows rolled down so he doesn’t feel drowsy, he keeps making glances at Isak, his heart clenching in his chest and fuck, fuck- he’s screwed. 

The love he has for this boy overcomes his anger, he wants to grab his hand and kiss his knuckles and he’d take all the pain Isak is feeling right now and feel it himself just to see him smile, isn’t it crazy when you love someone so much you seem to forget all the shitty things they’ve done, Even has seemed to forget that just ten hours ago he was ranting to Mikeal because of Isak and his shitty orange curtains that he’s sure are really old throws from Eskilds room. 

“I wanna kiss you so bad” Isak suddenly whispers, but Even catches it, god does he catch it. 

He almost swerves across the road as he looks down at Isak who’s looking at him through his hooded tired eyes, he’s an angel, he’s a dream walking on earth. 

“Isak-“

“I’m not spewing shit Even, I know I’m drunk but fuck, I just need you to know” Isak groans frustratedly, holding his hands up against his eyes and Even can tell he’s crying again, and he’s in two minds to pull over and pull him in to his lap and tell him it’s okay. 

“We’re talking about this in the morning, right now you need to sleep and I need to clear my head and sleep also” Even says sternly, although his voice stays soft. 

Isak doesn’t talk for the rest of the journey, instead rests his head against the window and pretends he’s interested in shitty middle of the night radio stations. 

Even’s grip on the steering wheel tightens with every silent second that passes over them, feels like he does whenever he’s with Isak, a million things to say but he hasn’t got the guts at the moment. 

“Thank you for coming for me” Isak whispers quietly, as Even pulls up to his place, Even tries to pretend he isn’t close to choking up himself as he unbuckles his seatbelt, sighing as stares at the sky wishing that someone would show him a sign explaining how he can possibly get through this night. 

“Always” 

-

Watching Isak sleep again is like groundhog day, he looks so perfect in Even’s bed, has been in it so many times that he belongs there, but it feels different now, like the atmosphere has shifted. 

Isak sniffles in his sleep and it’s so cute and so endearing, he had grabbed one of Even’s t shirts from his cupboard, stripped himself down and got himself into his bed, he looked practically sober by the time they got inside and Even has a feeling he pretended to sleep the second he got in the bed so avoid the talk they’re going to have later. 

He tries not to think about the reality of their situation, hates that it took Isak being drunk to actually open up and talk. 

Hates that it took him ignoring him once for Isak to flip and blurt out what he’s been feeling whilst Even has been locking his feelings away inside his chest for the past year, has gone through countless goodbyes and hundreds of times that Isak has blanked him and made him feel two feet tall. 

The amount of nights Even has stayed up thinking about Isak’s touch, it just doesn’t seem fair how this is playing out.

Instead of dwelling on it, he lies down behind Isak, cuddling up into his warm back and wrapping his arms around his body, protecting him. 

Morning can wait, right now he could stay like this forever. 

-

Isak is there when he wakes up and he feels like he’s in a dream and he feels like pinching himself when Isak turns around against his chest and cuddles up against him. 

Isak didn’t leave. 

He didn’t leave and he’s still in his bed and he’s wearing Even’s old as shit marvel t shirt that Mikeal bought him as a joke but it’s actually really comfy, and he smells of warmth and he’s everything, everything Even could ever want. 

Even prays that today they finally get their shit together, and he hopes he doesn’t have to cry another sad tear over this boy ever again. 

“Do you think some people are meant to be no matter what?” Isak has once asked him, he was laying on top of Even, his hair messy and his cheeks flushed so beautifully that Even still remembers every detail. 

“Yeah, I do” Even had whispered back, his hand running through Isak’s hair, it was sweaty and even more curly than usual but he was so pretty, the loveliest most beautiful boy he’s ever known, and even that was an understatement. 

“Even if it takes them a while?” Isak replies softly, his eyes glancing up and staring into Even’s, his face soft and it took Even’s breath away. 

“Even then, I think that’s what makes it more special, the fact that even though it took them longer to realise it, they finally did” 

He thinks back to that moment, wonders if Isak was hinting that they were meant to be, wonders how many other times he’s turned a blind eye to Isak’s affection. 

Right now in this moment he’s far too content, rubbing his hands down Isak’s back, holding off the conversation they’re definitely going to have when Isak wakes up, Even prays he remembers last night. 

“You still take all the blanket,I’m freezing” Isak suddenly whispers against Even’s chest, it seems like an excuse to cuddle up closer to Even’s body, he seems shy, almost embarrassed. 

“You’re using me as a human heater, stop lying” Even chuckles, bringing his arms around Isak, he wishes this could be it, they could go on from here and forget about the walking on egg shells they’ve done around each other for the past year. 

Isak snorts out a laugh but doesn’t reply, instead he rolls off Even, his eyes soft as they meet Even’s own. 

“I’ve always loved your morning voice” he says instead, his fingers reaching up to tangles in Even’s hair, like he’s grounding himself. 

He’s flirting, flirting like they’ve just met and don’t know anything about each other, not like Even knows how Isak likes his coffee and he knows what he looks like when he’s tired and when he’s just woke up, he knows what days Isak goes to visit his mum, knows that he loves neck kisses but hates love bites, knows about that little birth mark on his inner thigh and that cute little freckle he has on his ankle, knows so much but so little at the same time. 

“I love waking up to you when you stay” Even whispers, but it seems to echo around the room, and he’s so happy he’s at his own apartment, away from everyone else, just and Isak. 

Isak looks at the ceiling, and there’s tears, tears sliding down the side of his face and wetting the pillow he’s laying on, he closes his eyes and swallows, like he’s choked up and can’t breathe. 

“Oh, Isak” Even sighs gently, rubbing his thumb down Isak’s cheek, wiping them away, running it over his eyelashes, catching them before they fall. 

“Can we not talk about it right now, I feel sick, my heads pounding and I made a fool of myself in front of you a few hours ago and I want to roll up in this blanket and hibernate” Isak sniffs, smiling gently as he hides his face into the pillow. 

Isak always does this, passes things off as a joke, to be honest, Even is tired of it, he’s tired of getting pushed away so far he can’t see. 

“Isak-“

“Even, please” Isak mumbles, his eyes are shining with tears and Even feels like he’s a carpet again and he’s getting walked all over and fuck, why is he such a pushover for this boy, but he understands it’ll always be that way, he’d give Isak every star and every atom if he could grab it with his hands, he’d give him his last drop of water and the last breath of air in his lungs if he had too. 

“Whatever you want” Even whispers softly, unable to breathe with Isak so close and his face so pretty, Isak will always be an enigma, caught between his still boyish features and his innocent youth that captured Even in the first place, even now with his hair a mess and his face pale and a few rouge spots on his forehead it just makes him more him, more real. 

“I don’t think I can handle this right now” Isak replies, his voice is soft and his eyes still wet and Even feels like his body’s in overdrive trying to think of what to say next to reassure him, but why is it always him that does the reassuring, why hasn’t Isak ever kissed away his pain and told him everything with be okay? 

“We don’t have to talk about it right now, but we will eventually” he tries to explain, and it’s killing him to see Isak look so sad, and even though they’re touching and close he feels like the distance between them grows bigger with every second that passes by and every silent moment that continues. 

“Whatever I want?” Isak asks, sitting up in the bed and wiping his tears with the collar of Even’s t shirt that looks too damn perfect on him Even feels as though he should never wear anything other than his clothes from now on. 

Even nods, Isak’s eyes are wide like he’s searching for some sort of approval, and Even feels like his heart is about to burst out of his chest and hit his bedroom floor as Isak surges forward and kisses him, he can’t bring himself to stop him, this is the first kiss they’ve shared sober and it’s not perfect, it’s salty with tears and the taste of Isak’s heartbreak lingers on his tongue, it’s messy but so good, Isak is opens his mouth up for him straight away, but it’s not a dirty kiss, it’s sweet and soft and almost like a whisper. 

It feels like the first kiss they’ve shared, it’s the first kiss he’ll remember, and he’s going to treasure it forever, he’s captured by the way Isak straddles over his lap, his blankets falling on the floor in a messy heap, Isak still kisses him deeply, his fingers locked in Even’s hair and Even can’t stop his hands from making their way down Isak’s body, touching over every curve like he’s trying to memorised it, Isak is whimpering and whining, Even bites down on his lip then sucks it into his mouth as if to say sorry, it’s hot and the heat makes his bed clothes stick to his body, his shirt on Isak isn’t any better, his hands grab Isak’s small love handles, pulling the t shirt over his head. 

“No talking then, just give me this one more time” Isak pulls away with small pants leaving his lips, his mouth now a cherry red and around it slightly red too from Even’s slight stubble due to not shaving for a few days and he’s ever so beautiful. 

Isak leans his forward against Even’s, both of them catching their breathes. 

Even swallows the lump in his throat, looking into Isak’s eyes, his eyelashes delicate though his eyes look so sad. 

“Isak-“ he tries to start but Isak shakes his head, trying to shut him with with a wet kiss, his fingers tracing along Even’s cheeks.

“All I’ve ever wanted to do is kiss you and remember how it feels, please give me this before you make me leave” Isak begs, clamping his thighs around Even’s waist tighter like he’s scared he’s going to disappear. 

Even is confused, he’s confused and scared and so in love, so fucking in love. 

“I had his whole thing planned out, you were going to come over, I was going to tell you that I’m sorry for being a fool, I’m sorry for pushing you away and making you feel like I don’t give a shit, I do- fuck, I was going to get you flowers and everything” Isak laughs through his tears, his lips trailing down Even’s cheeks, and he feels speechless, can’t even feel his tongue in his mouth, Isak’s words hitting him like bricks. 

“I remember I was sleeping one night, trying to anyway, thinking about the big fucking mess we are, and you kissed my head and you said you loved me” Isak continues, sitting up straighter, his tears now falling and Even is still spellbound, his arms feel dead and his head pounding with far too much information all at once. 

“I kept thinking, why does he only say this to me when he thinks I’m sleeping, why is he content with fucking me one night and pretending to be nothing more than friends the next morning” Isak explains, and Even still can’t wrap his head around this entire conversation. 

“I was never, ever content with the situation we were in” Even speaks up, sitting up with Isak still in his lap. 

“Can’t you see that I wasn’t either?” Isak sobs lightly, and he’s out of place, sitting like a jewel on Even’s body saying everything Even’s ever wanted to hear. 

“I thought you said you didn’t want to have this conversation?” Even’s asks because if he says anything else he might just breakdown again. 

Isak rolls his eyes but it’s not harsh, it’s just Isak, Isak who’s never experienced love before, Isak who’s never been touched before Even and Isak who’s first real home was a four person flat share with three other strangers.

Isak who’s only ever experienced love in the harshest forms, Isak’s who’s idea of love since he was a child is a deposit in his bank account from his dad once a month and a text from his mother when she’s able to pick up her phone. 

“I’m here, giving you my heart on a plate and you’re being a shit about it” Isak scoffs, but leans their foreheads together non the less, his breath hitting off Even’s now cold lips. 

“Like I haven’t gave you my heart on a plate for the past year” Even says softly, enjoying the way Isak runs his nose against his, enjoying the intimacy far too much. 

“I’m sorry for being dumb” Isak whispers, and Even can’t take it. 

He flips Isak around, feeling a bit better now he can see his full face and capture every emotion.

Isak gasps, his legs naturally spreading as Even fits himself like a puzzle piece in-between them. 

“If I were to say I love you so much I feel like I’m about to die just thinking about you right now, what would you say?” Even says it, says what he’s been holding in his chest for far too long, his eyes skimming Isak’s face, loving the way Isak’s eyes brighten and his cheeks blush and he smiles gently. 

“I’d say, it can’t come close to how much I love you” 

There it is, the sentence that Even has been waiting for, the three cursed words that sound like poetry, he wipes Isak’s tears, kissing down his cheeks and kissing his eyelashes with such gentleness he feels like he’s touching s flower, a delicate beautiful rose. 

“I don’t want you to leave, ever” Even whispers, his lips so close to Isak’s he feels like he can feel his heartbeat through them. 

“Then tell me to stay” Isak whispers, and it’s like a fairy tale, they still have things to talk over and Isak is still hungover and Even’s ears are ringing with confusion about how ten minutes ago he was crying about how Isak didn’t run away in the middle of night and now he’s got his boy in his bed, and he’s telling him he loves him. 

“You sure you don’t want that guy who bought you those fancy cocktails?” Even smiles, and Isak laughs, his face a picture of happiness.

“Nah, I’d rather have the guy who drives across Oslo to find me even though I’m a disaster with daddy issues” Isak jokes back, his cheeks hurting from smiling and his small dimple is visible and he’s so beautiful, the world does not deserve to have such a beauty human. 

“Stay” 

This time, the words leave his mouth without struggle and he says them freely, and he kisses Isak’s lips just because he fucking can. 

“Always”


End file.
